"I'm here to talk to you today about my views on abortion. Let's just say I'm pro-choice for everybody except unborn babies," Obama said to the group.
Democrat president elect Bar'ack Hussein Obama met with leaders of the Catholic church to talk about abortion, among other issues.
"John, the American people don't want to talk about Bill Ayers. They want to talk about the econ-," said Obama, before tapping the side of his teleprompter.
"I'm here to talk to you today about my views on abortion. Let's just say I'm pro-choice for everybody except unborn babies," Obama said to the group.
"Unborn babies aren't people. They can't vote for me multiple times, although ACORN is working on the issue, so I have no use for them. Anyway, they're kind of gnarly," Obama continued. His remarks were met with horrified gasps.
"And when I said I wouldn't want my daughters 'punished with a baby,' I meant I was going to give tax breaks for people who don't pay taxes."
"While we're on the subject, can we get a black - well, at least half-black - pope? Like, Pope Jarvis the Most Excellent or Tyrone the Pimpalicious? He could wear a big fuzzy pope hat, you know, with gold teef and rings and shit. Twenty-inch rims on the pope-mobile?"
Msgr. Paul Fitzgerald of the diocese of New York demanded an answer from Obama. "Mr. president elect, you were asked during your campaign about when you thought life begins. You avoided the question by saying it was 'above your paygrade.' Sir, exactly what paygrade is above that of president of the United States?"
"Fitzgerald? That's Irish, right? Like my drinkin' buddy, Teddy Kennedy," Obama answered. "Did I ever tell you that I had some Irish in me? Jameson whiskey!" Obama laughed. "Top o' the mornin' to ya!"
"No, really. My last name was originally O'Bama, and my relatives came from County Cork in Ireland. You know, my uncle who liberated Auschwitz in the Korean War? He was Irish. So was my auntie who was here illegally in Beantown. Me, though, I'm musl- I mean, protestant. Oops! Next question."
"Mr. Obama, do you think Joe Biden - a practicing Catholic - is being hypocritical by supporting abortion?" asked Father Jerry Torrence of Texas.
"Okay, here's a good one. Superman, a blonde, and the Pope walk into a bar, see? And..." Obama told the group. "No, no, wait. Superman, a black guy, and the Pope walk into a bar, and..."
"Mr. Obama, please answer one of our questions! We've traveled a long way to talk to you," pleaded the group. "We want to support you but we need some information from you."
"Sing it with me. When Irish eyes are smilin'..."